from the Funny Farm HALLOWEEN DICTIONARY

THE HALLOWEEN DICTIONARY

Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde.

"Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy: The one who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie: What you look like when you first get up in the morning.

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No "Ha-Ha" today- but good

I will refer you to a cute little story by an LDS student who is studying in Jerusalem this summer. http://www.ldsmag.com/youngmormons/090622tenets.html,
this piece impressesd me me and made me smile. Thought you may like it also. It is short and sweet and makes a good point.

the funny farm IN HONOR OF MOTHER'S DAY

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the followingquestions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just usedbigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everythingnice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then theymostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's momslike me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would bepretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does heget drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs andYES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eatsa lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad'ssuch a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuffunder the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to dothan dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to workat work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at yourfriend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think somekind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'dget rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sisterwho did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes onthe back of her head

the funny farm AND WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS-part two

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle." (Must have been a test)

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

the funny farm AND WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

The funny farm and NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage ofi nvestors wetting their pants
as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just down graded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

A NOT FUNNY ADVICE COLUMN

CRITICIZE SPOUSE TACTFULLY
by Orson Scott Card

They're at a party or dinner. The husband starts to tell a joke. The wife immediately snaps, "Oh, don't tell them that old story." The husband falls silent with an embarrassed grin. Or the wife has just made a comment in Sunday School, and the husband says, "What she meant to say was ... " and corrects her. She looks abashed ... or angry. They criticize each other's taste in clothing or in food, they demean each other's intelligence, they tell unflattering stories about each other.

We've all met a married couple like this. They embarrass everyone around them. Yet still they persist in this pattern of public criticism. And yet there are times when love requires that you say unpleasant or difficult things to a spouse. Think of the question "Do I look fat in this? "What that sentence really means is, "I'm really anxious about my appearance and I need your reassurance that I shouldn't be embarrassed to go out." And so the answer usually should be, "You look wonderful. That color is great on you."

Sometimes, though, there are unflattering things that your spouse can't see. For their sake, you have to say careful things like, "I'm not sure you'll really be comfortable with how much your underwear shows through," or, "Maybe you want a slip," or, "I think you'll be happier wearing something else." (This last one only works if there is something else to wear.)

Most of the time, though, even if there is a problem it's not so serious that you need to tackle it right then. When your spouse is anxious before an event is not the best time to break the news that a particular outfit does not look good. You have to ask yourself: Right now, does she need confidence or advice on clothing? This is when when your spouse [has initiated] the criticism by asking a question.

When your criticism is uninvited, it is all the more important to be careful about when and where:

1. Never in front of anyone else, not even the children. And by "never," I mean NEVER. This is one of the hardest rules to follow for those who have the criticism habit. But why is it so hard? It's not because your spouse needs to be stopped right now -- that only applies if he's about to break some precious object, or the law. Most of the time, one spouse criticizes the other because the criticizer feels the anxiety of embarrassment. One spouse is ashamed of the other and criticizes publicly in order to make that feeling of anxiety go away. It is a selfish act by the criticizer, a desire to show that he (or she) is not part of the actions or words of the other. It reveals that your fear of embarrassment is stronger than your loyalty to your mate.

2. No matter how embarrassing your spouse is, publicly criticizing or demeaning is almost always worse. It's like that moment in "Pride and Prejudice" when Mr. Bennett publicly stops his daughter Mary from boring everyone at a party with yet another lengthy and mediocre piano solo. He meant to spare everyone the tedium of listening, but instead he caused them the greater discomfort of watching him mortify his daughter in public.

3. No one should hear criticism on the day of the performance. When someone has just done something they felt anxious about, one ounce of criticism will outweigh three tons of praise. There is no criticism of something that has already happened that cannot wait until the next day. "But I might forget it if I wait till tomorrow!" Exactly. If it's so trivial that you don't remember it the next day, it doesn't need to be said at all.

4. Pick a safe and neutral time. You're alone. You're not in a rush to do anything else. You're at peace with each other. Now you can say: "My most adored and beloved spouse, you are still the most handsome/beautiful person in the world to me. But I think that it is time for you to stop wearing: (a) shirts that tuck in, (b) form-fitting tops that reveal every contour of your underwear from behind, (c) shirts that are so short that when you bend over or squat, people start looking for the proctologist, or (d) that old toupee that no longer matches any part of your surviving hair." This applies to jokes they tell, the level of gossip they share, how they talk about the children in front of others or even how much and when they criticize you. It will still not be easy for them to hear it -- but at least you're alone and you're not causing any public shame. Your criticism has a real chance to be constructive instead of destructive.

Remember that the Lord says reproof should be accompanied by reassurance that your love is stronger than the bands of death.

Orson Scott Card is a writer of nonfiction and fiction, from LDS works to popular fiction. His column appeas weekly in the Deseret News and Mormon Times.

the funny farm AND EVERYTHING YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver,
or purple.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand
and "lollipop" with your right.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses
every letter of the alphabet. (You alaready knew that didn't you?).

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are plaindromes (the same whether they
are read left to right or right to left).

There are only four words in the English language which end in
"dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five
vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only on one row of the keyboard.

the funny farm A FAMOUS ICON PASSES

Thanks to Chelsea for bringing this news to light.

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

the funny farm AND MY DOCTOR

My Doctor is Priceless...
If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another Six months.
While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor,Doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears; his advice: "Don't answer it."
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The Doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.

the funny farm AND THE COWBOY

A cowboy at a bar in Great Falls, Montana, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "I know. But that's OK. I have two brothers. One is in Billings, the other in Helena. I'm in Great Falls. When we left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender tells him it is a nice custom.
The cowboy becomes a regular, and always orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day he comes in and orders only two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "We don't want to intrude on your grief, but we wanted to offer our condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers, though.

the funny farm AND BUYING PAINT-AIRLINE STYLE

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT:
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have anymore $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of timesa day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the$200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a quart" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: The heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now,

the funny farm AND MORE UNAVOIDABLE LAWS OF NATURE

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: Identical parts aren't.
Tussman's Law: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Lowery's Law: The solution to a problem changes the problem.
Peer's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.
Ralph's Observation: Machines should work. People should think.
The Dilbert Principle : The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.
Handyman's Principle: The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Ehrlich's Law: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.-

the funny farm AND KID'S WISDOM

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don'tanswer.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.

the funny farm AND EXCERCISING

The Importance of Excercising:
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. Now I know why I don't exercise.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

the funny farm AND DRIVING PRIVELEGES

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
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the funny farm AND ENGLISH ESSAYS

Apparently, every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual yet unusual comments found in high school essays. Here are some excerpts:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

the funny farm AND WILL ROGERS

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935,
was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever
known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.

8. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

9. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every
now and then to make sure it's still there.

10. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin'
it back.

the funny farm AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Many years ago a farmer couple gave birth to a son. They named him "Odd." When Odd began going to school all of his classmates teased him because of his name. He finally graduated and got a factory job, and once again all of his co-workers would poke fun at his name.
Finally, he got married and lived and worked a farm, since he could not take being around people teasing him about his name. When he became 50 years old, he told his wife that he was fed up from going through life with his name. He told her when he died that would end it. No one would ever make fun of him again. He requested that his wife not put his name on his headstone, only the date he was born and the date he died.
About 20 years later the poor farmer died. His wife wanted to honor his wishes and purchased his headstone with no name engraved; just the date he was born and the date he died. Today when mourners visit the cemetery they walk by and look at his headstone and see there is no name on the headstone and they always say, "Isn't that Odd?"

the funny farm AND ZEN SARCASM (continued)

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night .

the funny farm AND ZEN SARCASM

Zen Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

the funny farm AND RECIPE FOR PERFECT MARRIAGE

RED SKELTON'S COMMENTS ON MARRIAGE AND HIS WIFE:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

the funny farm UNAVOIDABLE LAWS OF NATURE continued

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Ssoup or Hot Drink : As soon as you sit down to a cup of asoup or ahot drink, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the soup or drink is cold..

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of New Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they stop making it.

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

the funny farm AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED....

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for her birthday . She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''
“Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”
''WOW!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

the funny farm ECONOMICS

Subject: Stimulus Payment Info. "This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China . If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless junk it will go to Taiwan . And none of it will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America .
You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

from the Funny Farm SWEET COMMENTS

Comments From General Authorities About Reese's Peanut Butter Cups:

Richard G. Scott: "If you have not eaten a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, I plead with you. Eat one now. Enjoy the chocolate, savor the peanut butter. Do not delay. If you have thought, 'That's not for me,' I plead with you to reconsider."

David B. Haight: "Imagine 70 years ago riding in a buggy on a rough road between Idaho and Logan. There were no Circle K's, no 7-11's. You had to bring your own Peanut Butter Cups with you. In 1937, Ruby and I split our first."

M. Russell Ballard: "The time has come when members of the church need to reach out to our friends and share a cup, a peanut butter cup. It is not enough to simply be a chocolate bar; it must now also have peanut butter."

J. Golden Kimball: "Hell, Heber, I'll eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup any damned way I want!"

Neal A. Maxwell: "I intentionally initiate the delicious design of deglutition of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup by nibbling a negligible nit of the culinary creamy cavalcade. It is exclusively through small entities that the great things are fabricated."

President Thomas S. Monson: "I remember I ate my first Reese's Peanut Butter Cup when I was a tender lad of eight. My mother came up to me, and with a loving twinkle in her eye, asked, 'Tommy, are you eating a Reese's?' And I would invariably smile up to her, 'Yes, Yes, I am.' 'But Tommy, did you know that Sister Jensen next door hasn't eaten a Reese's Cup in years?' My young mind thought upon the plight of my neighbor. Tears were shed. Hearts were gladdened. A cup was shared."

from the Funny Farm COMPUTER HELP

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer-guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again? "Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied."Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."So I wrote down ..... I D 1 0 T.
I used to like Harold.

the funny farm IN OTHER WORDS

Dedicated to Kevin:
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.
Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

IN OTHER WORDS: BE BRIEF AND DON'T USE BIG WORDS!

the funny farm AT THE MENTAL hOSPITAL

During a visit to a mental hospital, a visitor asked the Director what was the criterion that defined whether or not a patient should be hospitalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

the Funny Farm SERVING PUNS FOR THE LAST TIME

21. A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done

the Funny Farm SERVING PUNS - PART TWO

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

ADMITTEDLY THESE ARE REAL GROANERS (but at least you read them !)

the Funny Farm SERVING PUNS WITH BUTTER AND HONEY

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four secondsn .

the Funny Farm AT THE MALL

=================
The woman was determined to get her newly retired husband some attractive leisure clothes.

She went into a men's clothing store and told the salesgirl, "I'm looking for something youthful, something wild in a men's pair of slacks."

"Oh, honey" sighed the salesgirl. "Ain't we all?"

=================

the funny farm AT THE BEACH

At the Beach
Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"
"Sure," she said, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."

from the Funny Farm THE AGGIE MORTICIAN

The Aggie mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the
body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit
he is already wearing.The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the Aggie presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in
shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked
nice."

"So I just switched the heads."


Bet you didn't see that coming!
===========

from the Funny Farm WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS -continued

" Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

from the Funny Farm-WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

from The funny farm STOCK MARKET REPORT

It's been a bad week for the stock market.
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points.
Elevators rose and escalators continued their decline.
Switches were off, mining equipment hit rock bottom.
The raisin market has dried up.
Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day.
Scott tissues touched a new bottom.

from the Funny Farm-TRUTH OR DARE?

After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, Mark finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back.

Adult Extension Classes For Men Only

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN ONLY!!!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days
Topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practice with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO
KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts

TOILET ROLLS:
DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion


LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other
Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house
upside down while screaming
Open forum


DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS: WHERE DO THEY GO?
IN THE FRIDGE OR THE GARBAGE?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH:BRINGING HER FLOWERS
IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who asked

LEARNING TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS:BASIC DIFFERENCES
BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques


REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES AND
CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING HOW TO LIVE
WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available.

Bubba Had Shinglels

This is from a request made by Nancy Sabina.

It's a real groaner: but she asked for it!

Bubba Had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate
this! "Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their
practices like an assembly line?"

Here's what happened to Bubba:


Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what
he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address,
medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he
had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a
complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba
said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood
pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his
clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in
the nude and asked Bubba what he had? Bubba said, "Shingles."

The Doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"