I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer-guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again? "Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied."Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."So I wrote down ..... I D 1 0 T.
I used to like Harold.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
the funny farm IN OTHER WORDS
Dedicated to Kevin:
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.
Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.
IN OTHER WORDS: BE BRIEF AND DON'T USE BIG WORDS!
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.
Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.
IN OTHER WORDS: BE BRIEF AND DON'T USE BIG WORDS!
the funny farm AT THE MENTAL hOSPITAL
During a visit to a mental hospital, a visitor asked the Director what was the criterion that defined whether or not a patient should be hospitalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
the Funny Farm SERVING PUNS FOR THE LAST TIME
21. A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done
the Funny Farm SERVING PUNS - PART TWO
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
ADMITTEDLY THESE ARE REAL GROANERS (but at least you read them !)
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
ADMITTEDLY THESE ARE REAL GROANERS (but at least you read them !)
the Funny Farm SERVING PUNS WITH BUTTER AND HONEY
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four secondsn .
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four secondsn .
the Funny Farm AT THE MALL
=================
The woman was determined to get her newly retired husband some attractive leisure clothes.
She went into a men's clothing store and told the salesgirl, "I'm looking for something youthful, something wild in a men's pair of slacks."
"Oh, honey" sighed the salesgirl. "Ain't we all?"
=================
The woman was determined to get her newly retired husband some attractive leisure clothes.
She went into a men's clothing store and told the salesgirl, "I'm looking for something youthful, something wild in a men's pair of slacks."
"Oh, honey" sighed the salesgirl. "Ain't we all?"
=================
Monday, February 16, 2009
the funny farm AT THE BEACH
At the Beach
Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"
"Sure," she said, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."
Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"
"Sure," she said, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."
Thursday, February 12, 2009
from the Funny Farm THE AGGIE MORTICIAN
The Aggie mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the
body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit
he is already wearing.The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the Aggie presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in
shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked
nice."
"So I just switched the heads."
Bet you didn't see that coming!
===========
body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit
he is already wearing.The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the Aggie presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in
shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked
nice."
"So I just switched the heads."
Bet you didn't see that coming!
===========
from the Funny Farm WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS -continued
" Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
Monday, February 9, 2009
from the Funny Farm-WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
Thursday, February 5, 2009
from The funny farm STOCK MARKET REPORT
It's been a bad week for the stock market.
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points.
Elevators rose and escalators continued their decline.
Switches were off, mining equipment hit rock bottom.
The raisin market has dried up.
Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day.
Scott tissues touched a new bottom.
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points.
Elevators rose and escalators continued their decline.
Switches were off, mining equipment hit rock bottom.
The raisin market has dried up.
Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day.
Scott tissues touched a new bottom.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
from the Funny Farm-TRUTH OR DARE?
After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, Mark finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back.
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