Monday, March 30, 2009

the funny farm A FAMOUS ICON PASSES

Thanks to Chelsea for bringing this news to light.

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

the funny farm AND MY DOCTOR

My Doctor is Priceless...
If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another Six months.
While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor,Doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears; his advice: "Don't answer it."
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The Doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

the funny farm AND THE COWBOY

A cowboy at a bar in Great Falls, Montana, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "I know. But that's OK. I have two brothers. One is in Billings, the other in Helena. I'm in Great Falls. When we left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender tells him it is a nice custom.
The cowboy becomes a regular, and always orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day he comes in and orders only two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "We don't want to intrude on your grief, but we wanted to offer our condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers, though.

Monday, March 23, 2009

the funny farm AND BUYING PAINT-AIRLINE STYLE

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT:
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have anymore $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of timesa day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the$200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a quart" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: The heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now,

Saturday, March 21, 2009

the funny farm AND MORE UNAVOIDABLE LAWS OF NATURE

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: Identical parts aren't.
Tussman's Law: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Lowery's Law: The solution to a problem changes the problem.
Peer's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.
Ralph's Observation: Machines should work. People should think.
The Dilbert Principle : The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.
Handyman's Principle: The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Ehrlich's Law: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.-

the funny farm AND KID'S WISDOM

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don'tanswer.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.

Friday, March 20, 2009

the funny farm AND EXCERCISING

The Importance of Excercising:
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. Now I know why I don't exercise.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

the funny farm AND DRIVING PRIVELEGES

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
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Saturday, March 14, 2009

the funny farm AND ENGLISH ESSAYS

Apparently, every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual yet unusual comments found in high school essays. Here are some excerpts:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

the funny farm AND WILL ROGERS

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935,
was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever
known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.

8. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

9. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every
now and then to make sure it's still there.

10. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin'
it back.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

the funny farm AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Many years ago a farmer couple gave birth to a son. They named him "Odd." When Odd began going to school all of his classmates teased him because of his name. He finally graduated and got a factory job, and once again all of his co-workers would poke fun at his name.
Finally, he got married and lived and worked a farm, since he could not take being around people teasing him about his name. When he became 50 years old, he told his wife that he was fed up from going through life with his name. He told her when he died that would end it. No one would ever make fun of him again. He requested that his wife not put his name on his headstone, only the date he was born and the date he died.
About 20 years later the poor farmer died. His wife wanted to honor his wishes and purchased his headstone with no name engraved; just the date he was born and the date he died. Today when mourners visit the cemetery they walk by and look at his headstone and see there is no name on the headstone and they always say, "Isn't that Odd?"

Monday, March 9, 2009

the funny farm AND ZEN SARCASM (continued)

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night .

the funny farm AND ZEN SARCASM

Zen Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

the funny farm AND RECIPE FOR PERFECT MARRIAGE

RED SKELTON'S COMMENTS ON MARRIAGE AND HIS WIFE:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Friday, March 6, 2009

the funny farm UNAVOIDABLE LAWS OF NATURE continued

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Ssoup or Hot Drink : As soon as you sit down to a cup of asoup or ahot drink, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the soup or drink is cold..

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of New Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they stop making it.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

the funny farm AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED....

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for her birthday . She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''
“Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”
''WOW!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

the funny farm ECONOMICS

Subject: Stimulus Payment Info. "This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China . If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless junk it will go to Taiwan . And none of it will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America .
You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

Monday, March 2, 2009

from the Funny Farm SWEET COMMENTS

Comments From General Authorities About Reese's Peanut Butter Cups:

Richard G. Scott: "If you have not eaten a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, I plead with you. Eat one now. Enjoy the chocolate, savor the peanut butter. Do not delay. If you have thought, 'That's not for me,' I plead with you to reconsider."

David B. Haight: "Imagine 70 years ago riding in a buggy on a rough road between Idaho and Logan. There were no Circle K's, no 7-11's. You had to bring your own Peanut Butter Cups with you. In 1937, Ruby and I split our first."

M. Russell Ballard: "The time has come when members of the church need to reach out to our friends and share a cup, a peanut butter cup. It is not enough to simply be a chocolate bar; it must now also have peanut butter."

J. Golden Kimball: "Hell, Heber, I'll eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup any damned way I want!"

Neal A. Maxwell: "I intentionally initiate the delicious design of deglutition of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup by nibbling a negligible nit of the culinary creamy cavalcade. It is exclusively through small entities that the great things are fabricated."

President Thomas S. Monson: "I remember I ate my first Reese's Peanut Butter Cup when I was a tender lad of eight. My mother came up to me, and with a loving twinkle in her eye, asked, 'Tommy, are you eating a Reese's?' And I would invariably smile up to her, 'Yes, Yes, I am.' 'But Tommy, did you know that Sister Jensen next door hasn't eaten a Reese's Cup in years?' My young mind thought upon the plight of my neighbor. Tears were shed. Hearts were gladdened. A cup was shared."