CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage ofi nvestors wetting their pants
as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just down graded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use
Monday, April 27, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
A NOT FUNNY ADVICE COLUMN
CRITICIZE SPOUSE TACTFULLY
by Orson Scott Card
They're at a party or dinner. The husband starts to tell a joke. The wife immediately snaps, "Oh, don't tell them that old story." The husband falls silent with an embarrassed grin. Or the wife has just made a comment in Sunday School, and the husband says, "What she meant to say was ... " and corrects her. She looks abashed ... or angry. They criticize each other's taste in clothing or in food, they demean each other's intelligence, they tell unflattering stories about each other.
We've all met a married couple like this. They embarrass everyone around them. Yet still they persist in this pattern of public criticism. And yet there are times when love requires that you say unpleasant or difficult things to a spouse. Think of the question "Do I look fat in this? "What that sentence really means is, "I'm really anxious about my appearance and I need your reassurance that I shouldn't be embarrassed to go out." And so the answer usually should be, "You look wonderful. That color is great on you."
Sometimes, though, there are unflattering things that your spouse can't see. For their sake, you have to say careful things like, "I'm not sure you'll really be comfortable with how much your underwear shows through," or, "Maybe you want a slip," or, "I think you'll be happier wearing something else." (This last one only works if there is something else to wear.)
Most of the time, though, even if there is a problem it's not so serious that you need to tackle it right then. When your spouse is anxious before an event is not the best time to break the news that a particular outfit does not look good. You have to ask yourself: Right now, does she need confidence or advice on clothing? This is when when your spouse [has initiated] the criticism by asking a question.
When your criticism is uninvited, it is all the more important to be careful about when and where:
1. Never in front of anyone else, not even the children. And by "never," I mean NEVER. This is one of the hardest rules to follow for those who have the criticism habit. But why is it so hard? It's not because your spouse needs to be stopped right now -- that only applies if he's about to break some precious object, or the law. Most of the time, one spouse criticizes the other because the criticizer feels the anxiety of embarrassment. One spouse is ashamed of the other and criticizes publicly in order to make that feeling of anxiety go away. It is a selfish act by the criticizer, a desire to show that he (or she) is not part of the actions or words of the other. It reveals that your fear of embarrassment is stronger than your loyalty to your mate.
2. No matter how embarrassing your spouse is, publicly criticizing or demeaning is almost always worse. It's like that moment in "Pride and Prejudice" when Mr. Bennett publicly stops his daughter Mary from boring everyone at a party with yet another lengthy and mediocre piano solo. He meant to spare everyone the tedium of listening, but instead he caused them the greater discomfort of watching him mortify his daughter in public.
3. No one should hear criticism on the day of the performance. When someone has just done something they felt anxious about, one ounce of criticism will outweigh three tons of praise. There is no criticism of something that has already happened that cannot wait until the next day. "But I might forget it if I wait till tomorrow!" Exactly. If it's so trivial that you don't remember it the next day, it doesn't need to be said at all.
4. Pick a safe and neutral time. You're alone. You're not in a rush to do anything else. You're at peace with each other. Now you can say: "My most adored and beloved spouse, you are still the most handsome/beautiful person in the world to me. But I think that it is time for you to stop wearing: (a) shirts that tuck in, (b) form-fitting tops that reveal every contour of your underwear from behind, (c) shirts that are so short that when you bend over or squat, people start looking for the proctologist, or (d) that old toupee that no longer matches any part of your surviving hair." This applies to jokes they tell, the level of gossip they share, how they talk about the children in front of others or even how much and when they criticize you. It will still not be easy for them to hear it -- but at least you're alone and you're not causing any public shame. Your criticism has a real chance to be constructive instead of destructive.
Remember that the Lord says reproof should be accompanied by reassurance that your love is stronger than the bands of death.
Orson Scott Card is a writer of nonfiction and fiction, from LDS works to popular fiction. His column appeas weekly in the Deseret News and Mormon Times.
by Orson Scott Card
They're at a party or dinner. The husband starts to tell a joke. The wife immediately snaps, "Oh, don't tell them that old story." The husband falls silent with an embarrassed grin. Or the wife has just made a comment in Sunday School, and the husband says, "What she meant to say was ... " and corrects her. She looks abashed ... or angry. They criticize each other's taste in clothing or in food, they demean each other's intelligence, they tell unflattering stories about each other.
We've all met a married couple like this. They embarrass everyone around them. Yet still they persist in this pattern of public criticism. And yet there are times when love requires that you say unpleasant or difficult things to a spouse. Think of the question "Do I look fat in this? "What that sentence really means is, "I'm really anxious about my appearance and I need your reassurance that I shouldn't be embarrassed to go out." And so the answer usually should be, "You look wonderful. That color is great on you."
Sometimes, though, there are unflattering things that your spouse can't see. For their sake, you have to say careful things like, "I'm not sure you'll really be comfortable with how much your underwear shows through," or, "Maybe you want a slip," or, "I think you'll be happier wearing something else." (This last one only works if there is something else to wear.)
Most of the time, though, even if there is a problem it's not so serious that you need to tackle it right then. When your spouse is anxious before an event is not the best time to break the news that a particular outfit does not look good. You have to ask yourself: Right now, does she need confidence or advice on clothing? This is when when your spouse [has initiated] the criticism by asking a question.
When your criticism is uninvited, it is all the more important to be careful about when and where:
1. Never in front of anyone else, not even the children. And by "never," I mean NEVER. This is one of the hardest rules to follow for those who have the criticism habit. But why is it so hard? It's not because your spouse needs to be stopped right now -- that only applies if he's about to break some precious object, or the law. Most of the time, one spouse criticizes the other because the criticizer feels the anxiety of embarrassment. One spouse is ashamed of the other and criticizes publicly in order to make that feeling of anxiety go away. It is a selfish act by the criticizer, a desire to show that he (or she) is not part of the actions or words of the other. It reveals that your fear of embarrassment is stronger than your loyalty to your mate.
2. No matter how embarrassing your spouse is, publicly criticizing or demeaning is almost always worse. It's like that moment in "Pride and Prejudice" when Mr. Bennett publicly stops his daughter Mary from boring everyone at a party with yet another lengthy and mediocre piano solo. He meant to spare everyone the tedium of listening, but instead he caused them the greater discomfort of watching him mortify his daughter in public.
3. No one should hear criticism on the day of the performance. When someone has just done something they felt anxious about, one ounce of criticism will outweigh three tons of praise. There is no criticism of something that has already happened that cannot wait until the next day. "But I might forget it if I wait till tomorrow!" Exactly. If it's so trivial that you don't remember it the next day, it doesn't need to be said at all.
4. Pick a safe and neutral time. You're alone. You're not in a rush to do anything else. You're at peace with each other. Now you can say: "My most adored and beloved spouse, you are still the most handsome/beautiful person in the world to me. But I think that it is time for you to stop wearing: (a) shirts that tuck in, (b) form-fitting tops that reveal every contour of your underwear from behind, (c) shirts that are so short that when you bend over or squat, people start looking for the proctologist, or (d) that old toupee that no longer matches any part of your surviving hair." This applies to jokes they tell, the level of gossip they share, how they talk about the children in front of others or even how much and when they criticize you. It will still not be easy for them to hear it -- but at least you're alone and you're not causing any public shame. Your criticism has a real chance to be constructive instead of destructive.
Remember that the Lord says reproof should be accompanied by reassurance that your love is stronger than the bands of death.
Orson Scott Card is a writer of nonfiction and fiction, from LDS works to popular fiction. His column appeas weekly in the Deseret News and Mormon Times.
Friday, April 10, 2009
the funny farm AND EVERYTHING YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver,
or purple.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand
and "lollipop" with your right.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses
every letter of the alphabet. (You alaready knew that didn't you?).
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are plaindromes (the same whether they
are read left to right or right to left).
There are only four words in the English language which end in
"dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five
vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only on one row of the keyboard.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver,
or purple.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand
and "lollipop" with your right.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses
every letter of the alphabet. (You alaready knew that didn't you?).
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are plaindromes (the same whether they
are read left to right or right to left).
There are only four words in the English language which end in
"dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five
vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only on one row of the keyboard.
Monday, March 30, 2009
the funny farm A FAMOUS ICON PASSES
Thanks to Chelsea for bringing this news to light.
Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
the funny farm AND MY DOCTOR
My Doctor is Priceless...
If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another Six months.
While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor,Doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears; his advice: "Don't answer it."
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The Doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another Six months.
While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor,Doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears; his advice: "Don't answer it."
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The Doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
the funny farm AND THE COWBOY
A cowboy at a bar in Great Falls, Montana, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "I know. But that's OK. I have two brothers. One is in Billings, the other in Helena. I'm in Great Falls. When we left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender tells him it is a nice custom.
The cowboy becomes a regular, and always orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day he comes in and orders only two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "We don't want to intrude on your grief, but we wanted to offer our condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers, though.
The bartender tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "I know. But that's OK. I have two brothers. One is in Billings, the other in Helena. I'm in Great Falls. When we left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender tells him it is a nice custom.
The cowboy becomes a regular, and always orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day he comes in and orders only two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "We don't want to intrude on your grief, but we wanted to offer our condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers, though.
Monday, March 23, 2009
the funny farm AND BUYING PAINT-AIRLINE STYLE
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT:
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have anymore $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of timesa day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the$200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a quart" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: The heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now,
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have anymore $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of timesa day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the$200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a quart" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: The heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now,
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