Zen Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
the funny farm AND RECIPE FOR PERFECT MARRIAGE
RED SKELTON'S COMMENTS ON MARRIAGE AND HIS WIFE:
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Friday, March 6, 2009
the funny farm UNAVOIDABLE LAWS OF NATURE continued
10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Ssoup or Hot Drink : As soon as you sit down to a cup of asoup or ahot drink, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the soup or drink is cold..
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of New Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they stop making it.
11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Ssoup or Hot Drink : As soon as you sit down to a cup of asoup or ahot drink, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the soup or drink is cold..
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of New Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they stop making it.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
the funny farm AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED....
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for her birthday . She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''
“Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”
''WOW!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for her birthday . She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''
“Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”
''WOW!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
the funny farm ECONOMICS
Subject: Stimulus Payment Info. "This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China . If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless junk it will go to Taiwan . And none of it will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America .
You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China . If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless junk it will go to Taiwan . And none of it will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America .
You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
Monday, March 2, 2009
from the Funny Farm SWEET COMMENTS
Comments From General Authorities About Reese's Peanut Butter Cups:
Richard G. Scott: "If you have not eaten a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, I plead with you. Eat one now. Enjoy the chocolate, savor the peanut butter. Do not delay. If you have thought, 'That's not for me,' I plead with you to reconsider."
David B. Haight: "Imagine 70 years ago riding in a buggy on a rough road between Idaho and Logan. There were no Circle K's, no 7-11's. You had to bring your own Peanut Butter Cups with you. In 1937, Ruby and I split our first."
M. Russell Ballard: "The time has come when members of the church need to reach out to our friends and share a cup, a peanut butter cup. It is not enough to simply be a chocolate bar; it must now also have peanut butter."
J. Golden Kimball: "Hell, Heber, I'll eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup any damned way I want!"
Neal A. Maxwell: "I intentionally initiate the delicious design of deglutition of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup by nibbling a negligible nit of the culinary creamy cavalcade. It is exclusively through small entities that the great things are fabricated."
President Thomas S. Monson: "I remember I ate my first Reese's Peanut Butter Cup when I was a tender lad of eight. My mother came up to me, and with a loving twinkle in her eye, asked, 'Tommy, are you eating a Reese's?' And I would invariably smile up to her, 'Yes, Yes, I am.' 'But Tommy, did you know that Sister Jensen next door hasn't eaten a Reese's Cup in years?' My young mind thought upon the plight of my neighbor. Tears were shed. Hearts were gladdened. A cup was shared."
Richard G. Scott: "If you have not eaten a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, I plead with you. Eat one now. Enjoy the chocolate, savor the peanut butter. Do not delay. If you have thought, 'That's not for me,' I plead with you to reconsider."
David B. Haight: "Imagine 70 years ago riding in a buggy on a rough road between Idaho and Logan. There were no Circle K's, no 7-11's. You had to bring your own Peanut Butter Cups with you. In 1937, Ruby and I split our first."
M. Russell Ballard: "The time has come when members of the church need to reach out to our friends and share a cup, a peanut butter cup. It is not enough to simply be a chocolate bar; it must now also have peanut butter."
J. Golden Kimball: "Hell, Heber, I'll eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup any damned way I want!"
Neal A. Maxwell: "I intentionally initiate the delicious design of deglutition of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup by nibbling a negligible nit of the culinary creamy cavalcade. It is exclusively through small entities that the great things are fabricated."
President Thomas S. Monson: "I remember I ate my first Reese's Peanut Butter Cup when I was a tender lad of eight. My mother came up to me, and with a loving twinkle in her eye, asked, 'Tommy, are you eating a Reese's?' And I would invariably smile up to her, 'Yes, Yes, I am.' 'But Tommy, did you know that Sister Jensen next door hasn't eaten a Reese's Cup in years?' My young mind thought upon the plight of my neighbor. Tears were shed. Hearts were gladdened. A cup was shared."
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