THE HALLOWEEN DICTIONARY
Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.
Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.
Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde.
"Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
Mummy: The one who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
Skeleton: Any supermodel.
Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."
Zombie: What you look like when you first get up in the morning.
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Friday, October 23, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
No "Ha-Ha" today- but good
I will refer you to a cute little story by an LDS student who is studying in Jerusalem this summer. http://www.ldsmag.com/youngmormons/090622tenets.html,
this piece impressesd me me and made me smile. Thought you may like it also. It is short and sweet and makes a good point.
this piece impressesd me me and made me smile. Thought you may like it also. It is short and sweet and makes a good point.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
the funny farm IN HONOR OF MOTHER'S DAY
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the followingquestions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just usedbigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everythingnice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then theymostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's momslike me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would bepretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does heget drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs andYES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eatsa lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad'ssuch a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuffunder the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to dothan dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to workat work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at yourfriend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think somekind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'dget rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sisterwho did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes onthe back of her head
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just usedbigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everythingnice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then theymostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's momslike me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would bepretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does heget drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs andYES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eatsa lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad'ssuch a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuffunder the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to dothan dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to workat work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at yourfriend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think somekind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'dget rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sisterwho did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes onthe back of her head
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
the funny farm AND WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS-part two
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle." (Must have been a test)
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle." (Must have been a test)
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Monday, May 4, 2009
the funny farm AND WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Monday, April 27, 2009
The funny farm and NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage ofi nvestors wetting their pants
as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just down graded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage ofi nvestors wetting their pants
as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just down graded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
A NOT FUNNY ADVICE COLUMN
CRITICIZE SPOUSE TACTFULLY
by Orson Scott Card
They're at a party or dinner. The husband starts to tell a joke. The wife immediately snaps, "Oh, don't tell them that old story." The husband falls silent with an embarrassed grin. Or the wife has just made a comment in Sunday School, and the husband says, "What she meant to say was ... " and corrects her. She looks abashed ... or angry. They criticize each other's taste in clothing or in food, they demean each other's intelligence, they tell unflattering stories about each other.
We've all met a married couple like this. They embarrass everyone around them. Yet still they persist in this pattern of public criticism. And yet there are times when love requires that you say unpleasant or difficult things to a spouse. Think of the question "Do I look fat in this? "What that sentence really means is, "I'm really anxious about my appearance and I need your reassurance that I shouldn't be embarrassed to go out." And so the answer usually should be, "You look wonderful. That color is great on you."
Sometimes, though, there are unflattering things that your spouse can't see. For their sake, you have to say careful things like, "I'm not sure you'll really be comfortable with how much your underwear shows through," or, "Maybe you want a slip," or, "I think you'll be happier wearing something else." (This last one only works if there is something else to wear.)
Most of the time, though, even if there is a problem it's not so serious that you need to tackle it right then. When your spouse is anxious before an event is not the best time to break the news that a particular outfit does not look good. You have to ask yourself: Right now, does she need confidence or advice on clothing? This is when when your spouse [has initiated] the criticism by asking a question.
When your criticism is uninvited, it is all the more important to be careful about when and where:
1. Never in front of anyone else, not even the children. And by "never," I mean NEVER. This is one of the hardest rules to follow for those who have the criticism habit. But why is it so hard? It's not because your spouse needs to be stopped right now -- that only applies if he's about to break some precious object, or the law. Most of the time, one spouse criticizes the other because the criticizer feels the anxiety of embarrassment. One spouse is ashamed of the other and criticizes publicly in order to make that feeling of anxiety go away. It is a selfish act by the criticizer, a desire to show that he (or she) is not part of the actions or words of the other. It reveals that your fear of embarrassment is stronger than your loyalty to your mate.
2. No matter how embarrassing your spouse is, publicly criticizing or demeaning is almost always worse. It's like that moment in "Pride and Prejudice" when Mr. Bennett publicly stops his daughter Mary from boring everyone at a party with yet another lengthy and mediocre piano solo. He meant to spare everyone the tedium of listening, but instead he caused them the greater discomfort of watching him mortify his daughter in public.
3. No one should hear criticism on the day of the performance. When someone has just done something they felt anxious about, one ounce of criticism will outweigh three tons of praise. There is no criticism of something that has already happened that cannot wait until the next day. "But I might forget it if I wait till tomorrow!" Exactly. If it's so trivial that you don't remember it the next day, it doesn't need to be said at all.
4. Pick a safe and neutral time. You're alone. You're not in a rush to do anything else. You're at peace with each other. Now you can say: "My most adored and beloved spouse, you are still the most handsome/beautiful person in the world to me. But I think that it is time for you to stop wearing: (a) shirts that tuck in, (b) form-fitting tops that reveal every contour of your underwear from behind, (c) shirts that are so short that when you bend over or squat, people start looking for the proctologist, or (d) that old toupee that no longer matches any part of your surviving hair." This applies to jokes they tell, the level of gossip they share, how they talk about the children in front of others or even how much and when they criticize you. It will still not be easy for them to hear it -- but at least you're alone and you're not causing any public shame. Your criticism has a real chance to be constructive instead of destructive.
Remember that the Lord says reproof should be accompanied by reassurance that your love is stronger than the bands of death.
Orson Scott Card is a writer of nonfiction and fiction, from LDS works to popular fiction. His column appeas weekly in the Deseret News and Mormon Times.
by Orson Scott Card
They're at a party or dinner. The husband starts to tell a joke. The wife immediately snaps, "Oh, don't tell them that old story." The husband falls silent with an embarrassed grin. Or the wife has just made a comment in Sunday School, and the husband says, "What she meant to say was ... " and corrects her. She looks abashed ... or angry. They criticize each other's taste in clothing or in food, they demean each other's intelligence, they tell unflattering stories about each other.
We've all met a married couple like this. They embarrass everyone around them. Yet still they persist in this pattern of public criticism. And yet there are times when love requires that you say unpleasant or difficult things to a spouse. Think of the question "Do I look fat in this? "What that sentence really means is, "I'm really anxious about my appearance and I need your reassurance that I shouldn't be embarrassed to go out." And so the answer usually should be, "You look wonderful. That color is great on you."
Sometimes, though, there are unflattering things that your spouse can't see. For their sake, you have to say careful things like, "I'm not sure you'll really be comfortable with how much your underwear shows through," or, "Maybe you want a slip," or, "I think you'll be happier wearing something else." (This last one only works if there is something else to wear.)
Most of the time, though, even if there is a problem it's not so serious that you need to tackle it right then. When your spouse is anxious before an event is not the best time to break the news that a particular outfit does not look good. You have to ask yourself: Right now, does she need confidence or advice on clothing? This is when when your spouse [has initiated] the criticism by asking a question.
When your criticism is uninvited, it is all the more important to be careful about when and where:
1. Never in front of anyone else, not even the children. And by "never," I mean NEVER. This is one of the hardest rules to follow for those who have the criticism habit. But why is it so hard? It's not because your spouse needs to be stopped right now -- that only applies if he's about to break some precious object, or the law. Most of the time, one spouse criticizes the other because the criticizer feels the anxiety of embarrassment. One spouse is ashamed of the other and criticizes publicly in order to make that feeling of anxiety go away. It is a selfish act by the criticizer, a desire to show that he (or she) is not part of the actions or words of the other. It reveals that your fear of embarrassment is stronger than your loyalty to your mate.
2. No matter how embarrassing your spouse is, publicly criticizing or demeaning is almost always worse. It's like that moment in "Pride and Prejudice" when Mr. Bennett publicly stops his daughter Mary from boring everyone at a party with yet another lengthy and mediocre piano solo. He meant to spare everyone the tedium of listening, but instead he caused them the greater discomfort of watching him mortify his daughter in public.
3. No one should hear criticism on the day of the performance. When someone has just done something they felt anxious about, one ounce of criticism will outweigh three tons of praise. There is no criticism of something that has already happened that cannot wait until the next day. "But I might forget it if I wait till tomorrow!" Exactly. If it's so trivial that you don't remember it the next day, it doesn't need to be said at all.
4. Pick a safe and neutral time. You're alone. You're not in a rush to do anything else. You're at peace with each other. Now you can say: "My most adored and beloved spouse, you are still the most handsome/beautiful person in the world to me. But I think that it is time for you to stop wearing: (a) shirts that tuck in, (b) form-fitting tops that reveal every contour of your underwear from behind, (c) shirts that are so short that when you bend over or squat, people start looking for the proctologist, or (d) that old toupee that no longer matches any part of your surviving hair." This applies to jokes they tell, the level of gossip they share, how they talk about the children in front of others or even how much and when they criticize you. It will still not be easy for them to hear it -- but at least you're alone and you're not causing any public shame. Your criticism has a real chance to be constructive instead of destructive.
Remember that the Lord says reproof should be accompanied by reassurance that your love is stronger than the bands of death.
Orson Scott Card is a writer of nonfiction and fiction, from LDS works to popular fiction. His column appeas weekly in the Deseret News and Mormon Times.
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